Over the weekend, I came to a realization that I haven’t accepted my cancer.

As my husband getting ready to possibly do a triathlon. He bought a new bike and I got upset. It made we go through a bunch of emotions: jealousy, sadness, the feeling of being defeated, the feeling of limitations, the feeling of unfairness.

We went out for a walk and my son was on his bike. He got so good at it and my husband had to run or walk fast beside him to keep up. I couldn’t. I am so out of shape now… part of me was telling myself that I should stay home next time since I can’t follow, but the other part of me was saying, well at least you’re out walking and things will get better.

It’s a constant mind fight.

I wished things would be different. I wished that I didn’t get through more treatments. I wish I could go back to running, try to do a race even if it’s only a short one. I wish my life was better. I wish I could make plans and set goals, but this isn’t something I can do anymore.

I could start trying to get back into shape, but I will be pushed down again possibly in a few weeks with further treatments…

It brought me to realization, that my life definitely changed again with my last surgery and that I may not be able to keep up as I thought I would.

At least I am here and able to see others thrive.