It’s almost time again to undergo another chemotherapy treatment. I don’t know why, but this time I feel more anxious. I don’t want to go. I know how it will make me feel and I am tired of this. I want my life to go back to normal.

I can’t complain too much because until now I have been able to recover quite quickly and have been able to enjoy some time with my family, but not being able to live my life fully is bothering me.

Maybe the fact that my chemo treatment falls when the family that I haven’t seen for a long time is coming to see me makes my anxiety level go up a bit more than usual and I don’t know how I will do this since usually that week I am sleeping a lot and I’m on my back for at least 4 days… I wish my treatment fell on a different week.

I have been experiencing some pain again, I am worried that my cancer started growing again. It could be just pain from not moving a lot, but still, it’s nerve-racking because you don’t know.

I’m looking forward to having my life back to normal and not worry so much if this is a possibility. I want my hair back, I want to be able to plan trips to go see my family out in Quebec, I want to be able to start running again, I want my energy back to play more with my kid, I want to be able to live my life fully and be cancer-free.

When you get sick, you realize all the things you took for granted and wish to have them back, but all in limbo and it’s scary. I hope I can have my life back someday, hopefully soon.

Il est presque temps de subir un autre traitement de chimiothérapie. Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais cette fois, je me sens plus anxieuse. Je ne veux pas y aller. Je sais ce que je ressentirai et j’en ai assez. Je veux que ma vie redevienne normale.

Je ne peux pas trop me plaindre car jusqu’à maintenant, j’ai pu récupérer assez rapidement et j’ai pu profiter de quelques moments avec ma famille, mais ne pas pouvoir vivre pleinement ma vie me dérange.

Peut-être que le fait que mon traitement de chimio tombe pendant que la famille que je n’ai pas vue depuis longtemps vient me voir fait que mon niveau d’anxiété monte un peu plus que d’habitude. D’habitude cette semaine-là, je dors beaucoup et je suis sur le dos pendant au moins 4 jours… J’espère pouvoir être capable de profiter d’un peu de temps avez eux. Je souhaite que mon traitement tombe une semaine différente.

J’ai de nouveau ressenti de la douleur, je crains que mon cancer recommence à se propager. Cela pourrait être juste de la douleur de ne pas bouger beaucoup, mais c’est quand même angoissant parce que c’est impossible de savoir sans passer de tests.

J’ai hâte de retrouver ma vie normale et de ne pas trop m’inquiéter si c’est une possibilité. Je veux ravoir mes cheveux, je veux pouvoir planifier des voyages pour aller voir ma famille au Québec, je veux pouvoir recommencer à courir, je veux retrouver mon énergie pour jouer plus avec mon enfant, je veux pouvoir vivre pleinement ma vie et être sans cancer.

Lorsque tu tombe malade, tu réalises toutes les choses que vous teniez pour acquises et souhaitez les récupérer, mais tout est dans l’incertitude et c’est effrayant. J’espère que je pourrai reprendre ma vie un jour et j’espère bientôt.

Feeling Hopeful

My positive CT Scan results gave me so much hope! Before I didn’t know if it was possible to survive this cancer. It is so rare and not knowing if the treatments are working was nerve-racking and to be honest, I didn’t know if I could do it.

Yes, I am scared that it could start growing again or grow somewhere else in my body. Every little pains is a reminder. I try not to think about it too much.

Having a reduction of 50% was more than I was expecting and it changed my way of thinking. Now, I can see that I have a chance. Of course I am not out of the woods yet, but things are looking on the positive side and I will take that.

Now, I have something to hold on to. It makes all the bad days worth it.

I have been meditating most of the nights and I feel like it helped me change my focus.

Tomorrow, the cycle is starting all over again. It sucks, but it is just a small price to pay to get better.

Hope everyone have a good week.

Good news!

The waiting game

Last Thursday was my CT scan. Who knew it would be so stressful.

On the way to my appointment, I felt emotional. I really want this test to bring some positive news in my life. I was listening to music and tears wanted to come out. The strangest thing was that I wasn’t thinking of anything specific.

I was looking forward for this test, but I was also scared of it. This is the moment of truth. Did the treatment work or are we at the same place as the beginning. I hope I don’t need a stronger chemotherapy treatment. This one is already awful to start with.

Breathe… Hold… You can breathe…

This is what you hear during a CT Scan, but it also feels the same while waiting for my results. I had the breathe for a while. The CT Scan is done, I am on the hold… Now I am waiting for the “you can breathe”, the result.

It’s the waiting game… until I get the results, this will be on my r mind every single day.

Waiting for the results brings back emotions and the thoughts I tried to remove from my head so I can be positive. I just feel powerless.

Every little pains makes me worry. I am afraid that the disease spread elsewhere. My CT scan was only done for my chest. Who knows what’s happening in the rest of my body, but I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing.

I might be overthinking things and also paranoid, but until I have actual proof that things are getting better, it is hard not to. I am hoping to get some news this Friday.

Fingers crossed…

Halfway point!

This Monday was my third chemo, which marked the half way point of my treatment. Three down, three to go!

I find this week was a bit harsher on me than the last cycle of chemo. The nauseas were more intense. All week, I didn’t feel so well. One day, I actually slept 14 hours just to go pass the nausea stage.

During the first week post chemo always makes me feel useless. All I do is sleep, eat and sleep again. I can’t be standing straight for too long. I have to think that this is only temporary and this will get better from now until my next treatment.

Being at the half way mark brings me a little of anxiety because that means they will also check the progress of my treatment.

Next week, on June 17th, I will be going for a CT scan. We will soon know if this treatment is working. I really hope this test will bing some good news and bring some light in my life.

Although I am not a fan of getting a surgery, I really need to have it, so I can live longer and hopefully be cancer free.

That’s my wish and hope anyway.

A big part of my life, I didn’t know my purpose in life. Now that I made peace with myself and decided to stop comparing myself to others and be happy with what I have, now that death is threatening me, I pray for my life. I ask myself so many questions and the main one is “why are you giving me something so beautiful and precious and you’re threatening of taking it from me?”

I always knew that I would die of cancer one day, but never would have thought that I would get it at 40.

Seventeen months ago, I brought this little and precious little boy to this world. He is my little miracle and my joy. We waited 10 years to conceive and now cancer is menacing to cut my life short.

My beautiful little boy is my everything. He gives me joy, he gives me a purpose. I don’t want to leave him so soon. I want to see him grow, go to school, graduate and maybe see him get married one day. I want to be there for him every single day.

When you become parents, the way you think about life changes. You become more aware of certain things, you become more prudent, your focus changes.

When an illness threatens you to shorten your life, you reflect on your life and see it on a different angle. When you have a young child, it makes it even harder.

It makes you angry because it is unfair. It makes you sad because you think of the fact that your might not be there to share moments with your family. You have a denial phase which come in between all of the emotions because it feels surreal. Then there’s acceptance. I don’t think you can fully accept your illness, but you still accept your fate because if you don’t it will get you admitted in the psychiatric ward.

You don’t always realize what you have until something is threatening to take it away from you.

This weekend was a little harder than usual. Has we went for a little walk, I was looking at people running, biking and kayaking and I was telling myself that I want to be able to do an activity like that again one day.

Of course, with all the uncertainty in my life, I started crying. Every little things made me tear up. There is so much I would like to do and I have no clue if I will be able to do them.

Not knowing if I will get through this cancer drives me nuts. I want to be able to make long-term plans with my husband. I want to be able to enjoy some activities with my son when he’s a bit older.

I saw this boy running with his mom and I thought: I want to do this with my son. I want to be able to share moments with him that he will remember. Right now, he is too young to remember anything we do. What we do now will only be in our memory. I want him to remember me.

Looking at my husband and son together and having fun makes me happy and also sad. I love seeing them together, but thinking of leaving them because of this cancer, brings tears to my eyes. Thinking of my husband having to raise our son alone breaks my heart.

I know I might sound a bit negative, but death is always on my mind. If you look at the data on the type of cancer I have, it doesn’t look good. If I can’t get surgery, the odds are very poor which increase my anxiety a lot. I really want to be here many more years to have moments my son will remember. I am scared my son won’t remember me.

I hope I get through this to live long enough to have memories he will remember.

The past weekend was great! For us in Canada, it was a long weekend. Yes, I was still feeling the chemo effects, but I was feeling good enough to go on a small walks here and there.

When you have a child, you can’t just stay at home all the time. Our son would just be a mess. So we went for short walks at places we never been or that me don’t go as often.

We went to a park that had bunnies and goats. He could experience other animals than a cat and a dog. I can’t wait for things to be normal again so we could go to the zoo. I feel with Covid that we are missing out on many sensory development.

We were able to buy a pool and he had fun splashing his daddy.

We also went to our community playground and played on the slide and swing. He had a blast and that what matter. Seeing my son smile is filling my heart and is everything to me.

Those little walks were no longer than 1 hour and a half at the most and I felt tired afterwards. Maybe I am pushing myself too hard, but in my head, not knowing how much time I have left, makes me want to spend more time with my family. The only problem… I get exhausted for things l could do for hours before. A slow walk, will make me tired, but it is all worth it.

Seeing my son and husband smile and be happy makes my world, but spending qualify time with them made me a little emotional. I didn’t want this weekend to be over. All good things has an end they say. We had to go back to the reality and my reality isn’t the greatest.

On a good day, I don’t believe that I am sick. I wonder if they made the wrong diagnosis. It feels like a nightmare and you want to pinch yourself to see if it’s real.

But on most days, I have a lingering pain that reminds me that I am not imagining things and that I do have cancer. I ask myself why this is happening to me? Why do I deserve this? What could I have done differently? These questions don’t have answers, but they haunt me everyday.

The fear of the unknown is real. Not knowing if I’ll ever be cancer free one day, not knowing how long I have, not knowing if I will see my son grow up.

The unknown is scary. I just want to know that everything will be alright… That I will get to have many more of those great weekend with my family. Even that, I can’t have an answer for…

Cycle 2 has begun…

So my hair has started to fall. I feel naked. I feel like a little chick with no feathers. I look at myself in the mirror and and I hate what I see. This will take a while to get used to. Many people mentioned that I look good bald, but it’s hard for me to believe it. It’s like a lost part of me. Thank goodness that hats and wigs exist.

The worst part was when I washed my hair. They came off in chunks didn’t mind shows it as it looked so bad after those chunks fell off.

It’s was my second cycle of chemotherapy this week and I was dreading it. On my way to the hospital, I wanted to cry. I knew what the next weeks will be like: nausea, drowsiness, headaches, back and chest pain, let’s just say crappy. I can’t escape from it. I have to do it. I have to fight!

This week was a little bit different than last time. The mood in the chemo room was different.

A big guy with tattoos entered the room for his first chemo treatment. When the nurse explained to him how it works, he mentioned that he can’t swallow pills. He was scared of it. He said that he took meds with bacon and he would chew the pills. He was obsessed with bacon. He even offered some to the nurse. This was so funny. I assume that’s how he was processing and expressing his stress.

The aftermath of my chemo treatment was a bit easier this week. The nausea on the second day wasn’t as intense than last time. I guess it’s because I knew how to manage my medications better. I slept pretty much from Monday to Thursday. I was awake a few hours at the end of each day to spend with my little guy when he came back from daycare.

I hate the ween after chemo. I feel like I am useless, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to get better.

I am not shy to say that most of my life I was a loner. I don’t have close friends. I often felt alone. A lot of things happened in my childhood that probably contributed to this, but I can’t go back in time and change it.

Being diagnosed with cancer brings you to review your life. You wonder what you did wrong, what you could have done better. It makes you regret not keeping in touch with people that you crossed path at some point in your life.

What I will say next, I kept to myself my whole life.

I am not good with keeping connection with people. Maybe it’s all because of my past and I think it all started back in high school.

I lost my best friend when I was a teenager because I said the wrong thing: I will tell your parents. I remember it to this day. I was jealous and mad because I felt she was putting me to the side as she made new friends. I felt left out. I can’t remember what they were going to do for me to say “I will tell your parents” has it’s a big blur, but it was the end of our friendship and the start of many miserable high school years.

I was pretty much alone at that point. They told the whole school. They laughed at me. I was bullied.

For many years I missed my best friend. I wish I can find her today to apologize.

I made new friends, but they also ended up stabbing me in the back. I was probably too nice with everyone, I was a people pleaser and couldn’t handle confrontation. This lasted until graduation. My friendships always were my boyfriend.

My boyfriends, now my husband where my whole world. That was all that mattered.

I got used to that and today, we are grown ups and I have difficulties to make friends. We all have our lives, everyone has their friends. Who has time for a new friend in their busy life.

Getting sick made the realize that sometime you don’t see the whole picture. You think you are alone and don’t matter, but people are rooting for you.

I am overwhelmed by the amount of people that are there for me. My workplace is there, some past coworkers, my family, even people I only know from online. I am grateful for all that.

I just wish I wasn’t so awkward with people and was able to easily connect. I am scared of rejection.

With COVID, you try to limit your exposure as much as possible. Who would have thought a side rib pain would turn someone’s life upside down. Well…it did for me.

I have been dealing with some pain on my side rib cage for a while and recently I have noticed a little lump. First, I didn’t think a lot of it, but since the pain wouldn’t go away and we wanted to make sure my body was able to cope for another pregnancy, I went to see the doctor and he ordered an x-ray. They saw that lump in question, but they saw something else in my lung too.

The doctor told me not to worry, that this could be just a glitch in the X-ray, but he ordered a CT scan just to be prudent.

A week later, still no CT scan appointment. Although my doctor told me not to worry, something was telling me something was wrong…

March 5th, 2021

The whole week was nerve racking. I had some burning pain in my chest area, which I had before, but since I knew there was a possibility there was something else, I was worried and went to the emergency.

My vitals and blood work were all fine. The doctor on duty saw I was scared. He pushed to have that CT scan done. The next day, I got the call to go get that test done. A few hours later… I received the bad news. They told me I had lung cancer.

It’s like the sky fell over my head, I huge pile of bricks. At that moment, my life turned upside-down…

March 23, 2021

I went for another CT scan. The thoracic surgeon told me that the first scan was only a screening CT scan. That mean, they gave me a diagnosis too quick. That made me feel a bit hopeful that they might have made a mistake.

March 24, 2021

I went for a biopsy to confirm what I really have. I was still hopeful that it wasn’t too serious and that I would be fine.

April 7, 2021

The wait was nerve racking. The day has come for the result…

It doesn’t look good was is word. Not what I wanted to hear.

They were partly wrong. My world crumbled into pieces once more… They were right about cancer, but not lung cancer.

I have Thymic carcinoma. The worst type of thymus cancer. It has spread to the lung pleura. That’s the only thing I learned that day. I don’t know what are my chances at this point. Two different oncologist are supposed to call me soon.

April 15, 2021

Today, I received the call from a radiation oncologist. At this point, radiation isn’t the first step. Chemotherapy is the way to go. Let just say that I am scared to death of what’s next. Is it curable? They can’t say. How much time do I have left? They don’t know. The only positive is that it is not bulky.

April 19, 2021

A friend of mine, who used to be my boss, contacted me. He and his wife did some research when they learned that I had cancer and was able to have a contact at the Princess Margaret hospital. This hospital is the 5th most rated hospital in the world for cancer research. I feel so grateful to have them as friends.

Things hay not been moving very fast so far. I am scared shitless and I need to have everything on my side right now. Cancer don’t take breaks.

April 23, 2021

I had my first appointment with my oncologist today. At first, it was supposed to be a consult, but ended up to be a pre-treatment appointment. The plan is to have chemotherapy every 3 weeks for a total of 6 with the possibility of surgery if the treatment respond well.

My cancer being rare, they don’t know how everything will go. This is scary. When you are sick, you want definite answers. They don’t have answers for me. The only thing for sure in all this is that I will be losing my hair.

April 26, 2021

Today was my first chemotherapy treatment. For some reason, I am relieved and also scared. Relieved because things are moving forward, but scared because I don’t know if it will work and I don’t know how I will react to the treatment. From today, I am moving into the unknown.

April 28, 2021

I received a call from the doctor at Princess Margaret hospital tonight. The treatment my oncologist is giving me is one of the best. For now it’s the way to go. He also referred me to a surgeon that possibly can operate, but he also mentioned that it’s only if the cancer shrinks enough. They don’t want me to have my hopes too high, but knowing that it is a possibility, it gives me something to move forward to. I just need to keep it realistic and know that it’s not a for sure, but a maybe.

My advise to you

Something I have learned and it will be my biggest advice to you all. If you have a minor pain or if you have anything that bothers you, don’t tough it out. I know with COVID you don’t want to go, but if in doubt, go get yourself checked. My cancer has been found by mistake. If I didn’t go, I could be in a worst situation. Unluckily, my cancer is advanced, I don’t know how long I’ve had it. Just be safer than sorry.

A Difficult Decision

Sending my son to daycare was a hard decision. We didn’t have another alternative and it wasn’t by choice. I had already extended my maternity leave and it came the time that I needed to go back to work. It is harder for me than it is for my husband. If I was given the choice and that we could have afforded it, I would have stayed home with him until things get better in this crazy world.

On the other hand, not sending him to daycare would have probably affected his development. Being in confinement is not good for us and him. He needs to interact with other people. So that was a major factor to take into consideration and that we couldn’t avoid.

Anxiety & OCD Creator

Every day I send him to daycare is terrifying for me. Covid gave me so much anxiety that someday, I feel I’m going to lose my mind. The sense of losing control of my son’s heath including ours is a major factor in my anxiety. Every day, I drop him off and I am worried that he will bring the virus home. I am sure that the daycare center is doing everything they can to avoid it, but we can’t control other kid’s caregivers. Are they careful like I do or are they the type of people who don’t care?

Already after a month, my son had to go through TWO covid-19 tests. The first time he went through it, I started to cry. I had to hold his head so he doesn’t move and he was fighting back. Thankfully, both tests were negative. To be honest, I don’t know how he would have caught it. We rarely go out except the grocery store when we don’t receive everything in the delivery or the pharmacy, I disinfect everything I bring back in and I wash my hands so many times that it is almost an obsession now… Every time someone comes too close to me, I worry. Just the other day, someone coughed in front of me at the store… now I worry… It has become OCD and anxiety.

Now, with all the tests we have to get done, is that safe? They say to limit your outings… well… every time we have to do a covid test, we risk contracting it? If you have kids, you know that they always have a runny nose, they always get a cold, especially the first year… This feels like it’s gonna be a long long year ahead of us…

Let’s hope 2021 goes by quickly and they find a solution for this stupid virus… Please let’s all do our part in keeping everyone safe. If you or someone living with you is sick, stay home.

You’re a year old! What?!?

Where did the time go? The time flew by so fast and it feels like you were born yesterday! Look at you now, you are so big!

This is a sad and happy time for mama. Sad because we won’t be able to spend as much time together and I will miss a lot of your milestones because mama needs to work. Mama wish she could stay with you every day. Happy because you make mama so proud. You have accomplished so much this year. From rolling over to crawling and walking on your feet. This happened so fast!

I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to spend more time with you to see you grow. Mama loves you so much! I never thought I would love someone as much! I cannot even describe it. You are my baby and will always be. I wish for years to come that you are happy, healthy and I hope we can keep a strong bond between you and me forever no matter what happens.

Before you came, I didn’t think I would be able to take care of you properly. Now, I don’t know either, BUT what I know is that I wouldn’t imagine my life without you and I will care for you the best I can until my breath stops. You are bringing joy to our lives and I don’t know what I would do without you. You are my miracle and the most precious person in my life.

Well, it happened. The news I didn’t want to hear.
Two cases of covid-19 have been reported in my son’s daycare.

I’m going crazy over here. I wish I could stay home with my child until things settle down, but money doesn’t grow on trees and bills won’t pay themselves. I already extended my maternity leave to stay with him longer. I have no choice.

The anxious feeling was starting to go away and then I learned this and it came back. I listen to Christmas music in the car, I start crying. I hold my son and hug him, I start crying. Is it even normal?

In regular circumstances, I would look forward to going back to work. Even a few weeks ago, I was getting excited. I bought myself a desk and computer chair so I can be ready to start in January. This pandemic screwed us big time.

This year was already difficult enough, now this. I hope the cases will disappear by the time my son starts.

I feel like I’m doing everything I can to keep him safe from this virus, but still failing to do so no matter what. I don’t feel in control and it drives me insane!

Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash

Never in a million years would I have thought that having a child would change the way I react to different situations.

Before having my son, I thought I was a pretty chill person. Yes, I was overthinking a lot and was nervous about certain situations, but having anxiety that would make me cry in the shower or when I am alone and make me think so much that it keeps me awake at night was not something I thought would happen to me. I always over thought about pretty much everything. I always think of the “what if” in most of the things I do. What will be the short and long term repercussions of that decision?

Now, I have this little human to take care of and I just want the best for him. This pandemic put a lot of sticks in the wheels. I wasn’t able to connect with other moms like I would have if things were normal. I wasn’t able to do activities with other babies to help him socialize. I was pretty much alone for over 12 months. I am grateful my husband worked from home. Made me feel like I wasn’t completely alone and he helped so much. He’s a great father to my son, but it is not the same as connecting with other women dealing with a newborn, now a toddler.

I recently finished my maternity leave, which means that my little man is going to go to daycare soon and I can’t control that. To be honest, I am scared of sending him to daycare with this pandemic. I am sure that it is hard already without the pandemic, but it adds extra stress.

I know it will be best for him. He will be to socialize and learn a lot more than if he stays with me. There are days, that I don’t know if I do enough.

Recently, I realized that even something that will disrupt the routine will create an unbalance. I lose focus and become anxious and emotional… I never was like that.

Christmas is coming so fast and the idea of my son’s first Christmas wasn’t spending it alone. I thought we could spend it with family members. The same goes for his first birthday. This makes me so anxious and sad. You might say, I know that already, that he won’t remember it, but in my head, the first of everything is so important and worth celebrating with your family. Maybe it is more for me, but the fact that I already didn’t have a lot of support this year, makes it even more disappointing.

Having a child of my own along with the pandemic made me realize how important your family is and how much you need them… not having them around is difficult for me…

Image by Anemone123 from Pixabay