I try to go on walks every morning. So far the weather was good enough to allow me to go on 45 to 60 minutes walk every morning.
I put on my music and off I go… My first stop is to get my morning coffee then I think.
Walking is my time for reflection. Since I learned about my cancer, I think a lot. But ever since I finished my chemo treatments, it seems like I’ve been thinking a lot more.
Some days, I almost forget I am sick, other days, the reality sets in.
Being diagnosed with cancer changes your perspective in life. It shows you what matters the most and it brings you to reevaluate things.
Even though I had good news on my tests, I still wonder why this is happening to me.
I find myself talking to the people above us all. Is it god, angels, family members that has passed? I don’t know. But what I do know, there must be someone/something looking after us.
I ask them to give me a chance, to tell me what I have done wrong to deserve this and how can I redeem myself. How can I be a better person? Of course, I don’t get answers, but I look inside myself and try to find answers.
I feel grateful for every morning I wake up, for every good days I spent and will spend with my family, for the good test results, for having the opportunity to get better without the stress of working, for having a husband who is and will go above and beyond to care for me on my bad days and for my son.
I believe that being able to focus on me and rest as much as I can plays a lot in my positive results.
I guess we can describe all my thoughts as soul-searching.
J’essaie de prendre une marche à tous les matins. Jusqu’à présent, la température dehors a été assez bonne pour me permettre de marcher de 45 à 60 minutes chaque matin.
Je mets ma musique et c’est parti… Mon premier arrêt est d’aller chercher mon café du matin et puis je réfléchis.
La marche est mon temps de réflexion. Quand j’ai appris pour mon cancer, je réfléchissais beaucoup. Mais depuis que j’ai terminé mes traitements de chimiothérapie, il me semble que je réfléchis beaucoup plus.
Certains jours, j’oublie presque que je suis malade, d’autres jours, la réalité s’installe.
Recevoir un diagnostic de cancer change votre perspective de la vie. Cela vous montre ce qui compte le plus et cela vous amène à réévaluer les choses.
Même si j’ai eu de bonnes nouvelles pour mes tests, je me demande encore pourquoi cela m’arrive.
Je me retrouve à parler aux gens au-dessus de nous tous. Est-ce Dieu, les anges, les membres de la famille qui sont décédés? Je ne sais pas. Mais ce que je sais, il doit y avoir quelqu’un ou quelque chose qui veille sur nous.
Je leur demande de me donner une chance, de me dire ce que j’ai fait de mal pour mériter cela et comment je peux me racheter. Comment puis-je être une meilleure personne? Bien sûr, je n’obtiens pas de réponses, mais je regarde à l’intérieur de moi et j’essaie de trouver des réponses.
Je suis reconnaissante pour chaque matin que je me réveille, pour tous les bons jours que j’ai passés et que je passerai avec ma famille, pour les bons résultats de mes tests, pour avoir la possibilité d’aller mieux sans le stress du travail, pour avoir un mari qui va au-delà pour prendre soin de moi dans mes mauvais jours et de mon fils.
Je crois que pouvoir me concentrer sur moi et me reposer autant que possible joue beaucoup dans mes résultats positifs.
Je suppose que nous pouvons décrire toutes mes pensées comme une introspection.
I am sorry if I was M.I.A. for a while… as most of you know, I have been dealing with cancer since April 2021. My life hasn’t been the way I imagined especially with a young child and the pandemic.
My hopes was very low up until June when I learned it shrank almost by 50%. Being diagnosed at a stage 4 and see this huge improvement and knowing that the treatments are working made it so much easier to be hopeful. I wasn’t out of the woods yet, but it was something to hold on to.
In the past month, I decided to keep myself busy. I watched many DIY videos and I got inspired. I started to do some for myself. I decided to try to move everyday instead of sitting on the couch all day. It helped keep my mind off the cancer and I found it was therapeutic at the same time. I tried to live life as normal as possible.
My aunt passed away a few weeks ago after a long battle against cancer and she left me a message that I will always remember.
Keep fighting for what you want. You got this girl!
This was her words and I don’t intent to disappoint her. She was a fighter and through her pain she was still able to have fun and keep smiling. She is a true inspiration to me.
I finished my last chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. I had my CT scan last week and it looks like my grandma and aunt were looking over me as well as all the thoughts my family and friends gave me helped me so much.
The results are very promising. All the pleural effusions and nodules from my lung are now “not remarkable” and the only one left is the main tumor and it has shrunk which is huge! My oncologist is very pleased by the results. I am now waiting for a date for a surgery to remove it
I can’t believe that I actually might be able to be here for my son. It almost feels surreal.
This journey might not be done yet, but it is looking a lot brighter and more positive than it was.
Je suis désolée si j’ai été absente pendant un certain temps… comme la plupart d’entre vous le savent, je me bats contre le cancer depuis avril 2021. Ma vie ne s’est pas passé comme je l’imaginais, surtout avec un jeune enfant et la pandémie.
Mes espoirs étaient très faibles jusqu’en juin, lorsque j’ai appris que les tumeurs avaient diminués de près de 50 %. Être diagnostiqué à un stade 4 et voir cette énorme amélioration et de savoir que les traitements fonctionnent, aide beaucoup à garder espoir. Je n’étais pas encore sortie du bois, mais c’était quelque chose à quoi m’accrocher.
Le mois dernier, j’ai décidé de me tenir occupé. J’ai regardé de nombreuses vidéos de bricolage et cela m’a inspiré. J’ai commencé à en faire pour moi-même. J’ai décidé d’essayer de bouger tous les jours au lieu de rester assis sur le divan toute la journée. Cela m’a aidée à ne pas penser au cancer et j’ai trouvé que c’était thérapeutique en même temps. J’ai essayé de vivre une vie aussi normale que possible.
Ma tante est décédée il y a quelques semaines après une longue bataille contre le cancer et elle m’a laissé un message dont je me souviendrai toujours.
Continue à te battre pour ce que tu veux. Tu es capable!
C’était ses paroles et je n’ai pas l’intention de la décevoir. C’était une battante et malgré sa douleur, elle était toujours capable de s’amuser et de garder le sourire. Elle est une véritable inspiration pour moi.
J’ai terminé mon dernier traitement de chimiothérapie il y a 3 semaines. J’ai eu mon test TDM la semaine dernière et je crois que ma grand-mère et ma tante veillent sur moi, ainsi que toutes les pensées que ma famille et mes amis m’ont donné ont beaucoup aidé.
Les résultats sont très prometteurs. Tous les épanchements pleuraux et nodules de mon poumon sont maintenant « non remarquables » et la seule qui reste est la tumeur principale et elle a rétréci davantage, ce qui est énorme ! Mon oncologue est très content des résultats. J’attends maintenant une date pour une chirurgie pour l’enlever.
Cela me semble presque surréel que j’aille la possibilité d’être ici pour mon garçon.
Ce parcours n’est peut-être pas encore terminé, mais il semble beaucoup plus brillant et plus positif qu’il l’était.
It’s almost time again to undergo another chemotherapy treatment. I don’t know why, but this time I feel more anxious. I don’t want to go. I know how it will make me feel and I am tired of this. I want my life to go back to normal.
I can’t complain too much because until now I have been able to recover quite quickly and have been able to enjoy some time with my family, but not being able to live my life fully is bothering me.
Maybe the fact that my chemo treatment falls when the family that I haven’t seen for a long time is coming to see me makes my anxiety level go up a bit more than usual and I don’t know how I will do this since usually that week I am sleeping a lot and I’m on my back for at least 4 days… I wish my treatment fell on a different week.
I have been experiencing some pain again, I am worried that my cancer started growing again. It could be just pain from not moving a lot, but still, it’s nerve-racking because you don’t know.
I’m looking forward to having my life back to normal and not worry so much if this is a possibility. I want my hair back, I want to be able to plan trips to go see my family out in Quebec, I want to be able to start running again, I want my energy back to play more with my kid, I want to be able to live my life fully and be cancer-free.
When you get sick, you realize all the things you took for granted and wish to have them back, but all in limbo and it’s scary. I hope I can have my life back someday, hopefully soon.
Il est presque temps de subir un autre traitement de chimiothérapie. Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais cette fois, je me sens plus anxieuse. Je ne veux pas y aller. Je sais ce que je ressentirai et j’en ai assez. Je veux que ma vie redevienne normale.
Je ne peux pas trop me plaindre car jusqu’à maintenant, j’ai pu récupérer assez rapidement et j’ai pu profiter de quelques moments avec ma famille, mais ne pas pouvoir vivre pleinement ma vie me dérange.
Peut-être que le fait que mon traitement de chimio tombe pendant que la famille que je n’ai pas vue depuis longtemps vient me voir fait que mon niveau d’anxiété monte un peu plus que d’habitude. D’habitude cette semaine-là, je dors beaucoup et je suis sur le dos pendant au moins 4 jours… J’espère pouvoir être capable de profiter d’un peu de temps avez eux. Je souhaite que mon traitement tombe une semaine différente.
J’ai de nouveau ressenti de la douleur, je crains que mon cancer recommence à se propager. Cela pourrait être juste de la douleur de ne pas bouger beaucoup, mais c’est quand même angoissant parce que c’est impossible de savoir sans passer de tests.
J’ai hâte de retrouver ma vie normale et de ne pas trop m’inquiéter si c’est une possibilité. Je veux ravoir mes cheveux, je veux pouvoir planifier des voyages pour aller voir ma famille au Québec, je veux pouvoir recommencer à courir, je veux retrouver mon énergie pour jouer plus avec mon enfant, je veux pouvoir vivre pleinement ma vie et être sans cancer.
Lorsque tu tombe malade, tu réalises toutes les choses que vous teniez pour acquises et souhaitez les récupérer, mais tout est dans l’incertitude et c’est effrayant. J’espère que je pourrai reprendre ma vie un jour et j’espère bientôt.
My positive CT Scan results gave me so much hope! Before I didn’t know if it was possible to survive this cancer. It is so rare and not knowing if the treatments are working was nerve-racking and to be honest, I didn’t know if I could do it.
Yes, I am scared that it could start growing again or grow somewhere else in my body. Every little pains is a reminder. I try not to think about it too much.
Having a reduction of 50% was more than I was expecting and it changed my way of thinking. Now, I can see that I have a chance. Of course I am not out of the woods yet, but things are looking on the positive side and I will take that.
Now, I have something to hold on to. It makes all the bad days worth it.
I have been meditating most of the nights and I feel like it helped me change my focus.
Tomorrow, the cycle is starting all over again. It sucks, but it is just a small price to pay to get better.
Hope everyone have a good week.
Last Thursday was my CT scan. Who knew it would be so stressful.
On the way to my appointment, I felt emotional. I really want this test to bring some positive news in my life. I was listening to music and tears wanted to come out. The strangest thing was that I wasn’t thinking of anything specific.
I was looking forward for this test, but I was also scared of it. This is the moment of truth. Did the treatment work or are we at the same place as the beginning. I hope I don’t need a stronger chemotherapy treatment. This one is already awful to start with.
Breathe… Hold… You can breathe…
This is what you hear during a CT Scan, but it also feels the same while waiting for my results. I had the breathe for a while. The CT Scan is done, I am on the hold… Now I am waiting for the “you can breathe”, the result.
It’s the waiting game… until I get the results, this will be on my r mind every single day.
Waiting for the results brings back emotions and the thoughts I tried to remove from my head so I can be positive. I just feel powerless.
Every little pains makes me worry. I am afraid that the disease spread elsewhere. My CT scan was only done for my chest. Who knows what’s happening in the rest of my body, but I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing.
I might be overthinking things and also paranoid, but until I have actual proof that things are getting better, it is hard not to. I am hoping to get some news this Friday.
This Monday was my third chemo, which marked the half way point of my treatment. Three down, three to go!
I find this week was a bit harsher on me than the last cycle of chemo. The nauseas were more intense. All week, I didn’t feel so well. One day, I actually slept 14 hours just to go pass the nausea stage.
During the first week post chemo always makes me feel useless. All I do is sleep, eat and sleep again. I can’t be standing straight for too long. I have to think that this is only temporary and this will get better from now until my next treatment.
Being at the half way mark brings me a little of anxiety because that means they will also check the progress of my treatment.
Next week, on June 17th, I will be going for a CT scan. We will soon know if this treatment is working. I really hope this test will bing some good news and bring some light in my life.
Although I am not a fan of getting a surgery, I really need to have it, so I can live longer and hopefully be cancer free.
That’s my wish and hope anyway.
A big part of my life, I didn’t know my purpose in life. Now that I made peace with myself and decided to stop comparing myself to others and be happy with what I have, now that death is threatening me, I pray for my life. I ask myself so many questions and the main one is “why are you giving me something so beautiful and precious and you’re threatening of taking it from me?”
I always knew that I would die of cancer one day, but never would have thought that I would get it at 40.
Seventeen months ago, I brought this little and precious little boy to this world. He is my little miracle and my joy. We waited 10 years to conceive and now cancer is menacing to cut my life short.
My beautiful little boy is my everything. He gives me joy, he gives me a purpose. I don’t want to leave him so soon. I want to see him grow, go to school, graduate and maybe see him get married one day. I want to be there for him every single day.
When you become parents, the way you think about life changes. You become more aware of certain things, you become more prudent, your focus changes.
When an illness threatens you to shorten your life, you reflect on your life and see it on a different angle. When you have a young child, it makes it even harder.
It makes you angry because it is unfair. It makes you sad because you think of the fact that your might not be there to share moments with your family. You have a denial phase which come in between all of the emotions because it feels surreal. Then there’s acceptance. I don’t think you can fully accept your illness, but you still accept your fate because if you don’t it will get you admitted in the psychiatric ward.
You don’t always realize what you have until something is threatening to take it away from you.
This weekend was a little harder than usual. Has we went for a little walk, I was looking at people running, biking and kayaking and I was telling myself that I want to be able to do an activity like that again one day.
Of course, with all the uncertainty in my life, I started crying. Every little things made me tear up. There is so much I would like to do and I have no clue if I will be able to do them.
Not knowing if I will get through this cancer drives me nuts. I want to be able to make long-term plans with my husband. I want to be able to enjoy some activities with my son when he’s a bit older.
I saw this boy running with his mom and I thought: I want to do this with my son. I want to be able to share moments with him that he will remember. Right now, he is too young to remember anything we do. What we do now will only be in our memory. I want him to remember me.
Looking at my husband and son together and having fun makes me happy and also sad. I love seeing them together, but thinking of leaving them because of this cancer, brings tears to my eyes. Thinking of my husband having to raise our son alone breaks my heart.
I know I might sound a bit negative, but death is always on my mind. If you look at the data on the type of cancer I have, it doesn’t look good. If I can’t get surgery, the odds are very poor which increase my anxiety a lot. I really want to be here many more years to have moments my son will remember. I am scared my son won’t remember me.
I hope I get through this to live long enough to have memories he will remember.
The past weekend was great! For us in Canada, it was a long weekend. Yes, I was still feeling the chemo effects, but I was feeling good enough to go on a small walks here and there.
When you have a child, you can’t just stay at home all the time. Our son would just be a mess. So we went for short walks at places we never been or that me don’t go as often.
We went to a park that had bunnies and goats. He could experience other animals than a cat and a dog. I can’t wait for things to be normal again so we could go to the zoo. I feel with Covid that we are missing out on many sensory development.
We were able to buy a pool and he had fun splashing his daddy.
We also went to our community playground and played on the slide and swing. He had a blast and that what matter. Seeing my son smile is filling my heart and is everything to me.
Those little walks were no longer than 1 hour and a half at the most and I felt tired afterwards. Maybe I am pushing myself too hard, but in my head, not knowing how much time I have left, makes me want to spend more time with my family. The only problem… I get exhausted for things l could do for hours before. A slow walk, will make me tired, but it is all worth it.
Seeing my son and husband smile and be happy makes my world, but spending qualify time with them made me a little emotional. I didn’t want this weekend to be over. All good things has an end they say. We had to go back to the reality and my reality isn’t the greatest.
On a good day, I don’t believe that I am sick. I wonder if they made the wrong diagnosis. It feels like a nightmare and you want to pinch yourself to see if it’s real.
But on most days, I have a lingering pain that reminds me that I am not imagining things and that I do have cancer. I ask myself why this is happening to me? Why do I deserve this? What could I have done differently? These questions don’t have answers, but they haunt me everyday.
The fear of the unknown is real. Not knowing if I’ll ever be cancer free one day, not knowing how long I have, not knowing if I will see my son grow up.
The unknown is scary. I just want to know that everything will be alright… That I will get to have many more of those great weekend with my family. Even that, I can’t have an answer for…
So my hair has started to fall. I feel naked. I feel like a little chick with no feathers. I look at myself in the mirror and and I hate what I see. This will take a while to get used to. Many people mentioned that I look good bald, but it’s hard for me to believe it. It’s like a lost part of me. Thank goodness that hats and wigs exist.
The worst part was when I washed my hair. They came off in chunks didn’t mind shows it as it looked so bad after those chunks fell off.
It’s was my second cycle of chemotherapy this week and I was dreading it. On my way to the hospital, I wanted to cry. I knew what the next weeks will be like: nausea, drowsiness, headaches, back and chest pain, let’s just say crappy. I can’t escape from it. I have to do it. I have to fight!
This week was a little bit different than last time. The mood in the chemo room was different.
A big guy with tattoos entered the room for his first chemo treatment. When the nurse explained to him how it works, he mentioned that he can’t swallow pills. He was scared of it. He said that he took meds with bacon and he would chew the pills. He was obsessed with bacon. He even offered some to the nurse. This was so funny. I assume that’s how he was processing and expressing his stress.
The aftermath of my chemo treatment was a bit easier this week. The nausea on the second day wasn’t as intense than last time. I guess it’s because I knew how to manage my medications better. I slept pretty much from Monday to Thursday. I was awake a few hours at the end of each day to spend with my little guy when he came back from daycare.
I hate the ween after chemo. I feel like I am useless, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to get better.
With COVID, you try to limit your exposure as much as possible. Who would have thought a side rib pain would turn someone’s life upside down. Well…it did for me.
I have been dealing with some pain on my side rib cage for a while and recently I have noticed a little lump. First, I didn’t think a lot of it, but since the pain wouldn’t go away and we wanted to make sure my body was able to cope for another pregnancy, I went to see the doctor and he ordered an x-ray. They saw that lump in question, but they saw something else in my lung too.
The doctor told me not to worry, that this could be just a glitch in the X-ray, but he ordered a CT scan just to be prudent.
A week later, still no CT scan appointment. Although my doctor told me not to worry, something was telling me something was wrong…
The whole week was nerve racking. I had some burning pain in my chest area, which I had before, but since I knew there was a possibility there was something else, I was worried and went to the emergency.
My vitals and blood work were all fine. The doctor on duty saw I was scared. He pushed to have that CT scan done. The next day, I got the call to go get that test done. A few hours later… I received the bad news. They told me I had lung cancer.
It’s like the sky fell over my head, I huge pile of bricks. At that moment, my life turned upside-down…
I went for another CT scan. The thoracic surgeon told me that the first scan was only a screening CT scan. That mean, they gave me a diagnosis too quick. That made me feel a bit hopeful that they might have made a mistake.
I went for a biopsy to confirm what I really have. I was still hopeful that it wasn’t too serious and that I would be fine.
The wait was nerve racking. The day has come for the result…
It doesn’t look good was is word. Not what I wanted to hear.
They were partly wrong. My world crumbled into pieces once more… They were right about cancer, but not lung cancer.
I have Thymic carcinoma. The worst type of thymus cancer. It has spread to the lung pleura. That’s the only thing I learned that day. I don’t know what are my chances at this point. Two different oncologist are supposed to call me soon.
Today, I received the call from a radiation oncologist. At this point, radiation isn’t the first step. Chemotherapy is the way to go. Let just say that I am scared to death of what’s next. Is it curable? They can’t say. How much time do I have left? They don’t know. The only positive is that it is not bulky.
A friend of mine, who used to be my boss, contacted me. He and his wife did some research when they learned that I had cancer and was able to have a contact at the Princess Margaret hospital. This hospital is the 5th most rated hospital in the world for cancer research. I feel so grateful to have them as friends.
Things hay not been moving very fast so far. I am scared shitless and I need to have everything on my side right now. Cancer don’t take breaks.
I had my first appointment with my oncologist today. At first, it was supposed to be a consult, but ended up to be a pre-treatment appointment. The plan is to have chemotherapy every 3 weeks for a total of 6 with the possibility of surgery if the treatment respond well.
My cancer being rare, they don’t know how everything will go. This is scary. When you are sick, you want definite answers. They don’t have answers for me. The only thing for sure in all this is that I will be losing my hair.
Today was my first chemotherapy treatment. For some reason, I am relieved and also scared. Relieved because things are moving forward, but scared because I don’t know if it will work and I don’t know how I will react to the treatment. From today, I am moving into the unknown.
I received a call from the doctor at Princess Margaret hospital tonight. The treatment my oncologist is giving me is one of the best. For now it’s the way to go. He also referred me to a surgeon that possibly can operate, but he also mentioned that it’s only if the cancer shrinks enough. They don’t want me to have my hopes too high, but knowing that it is a possibility, it gives me something to move forward to. I just need to keep it realistic and know that it’s not a for sure, but a maybe.
Something I have learned and it will be my biggest advice to you all. If you have a minor pain or if you have anything that bothers you, don’t tough it out. I know with COVID you don’t want to go, but if in doubt, go get yourself checked. My cancer has been found by mistake. If I didn’t go, I could be in a worst situation. Unluckily, my cancer is advanced, I don’t know how long I’ve had it. Just be safer than sorry.
Sending my son to daycare was a hard decision. We didn’t have another alternative and it wasn’t by choice. I had already extended my maternity leave and it came the time that I needed to go back to work. It is harder for me than it is for my husband. If I was given the choice and that we could have afforded it, I would have stayed home with him until things get better in this crazy world.
On the other hand, not sending him to daycare would have probably affected his development. Being in confinement is not good for us and him. He needs to interact with other people. So that was a major factor to take into consideration and that we couldn’t avoid.
Every day I send him to daycare is terrifying for me. Covid gave me so much anxiety that someday, I feel I’m going to lose my mind. The sense of losing control of my son’s heath including ours is a major factor in my anxiety. Every day, I drop him off and I am worried that he will bring the virus home. I am sure that the daycare center is doing everything they can to avoid it, but we can’t control other kid’s caregivers. Are they careful like I do or are they the type of people who don’t care?
Already after a month, my son had to go through TWO covid-19 tests. The first time he went through it, I started to cry. I had to hold his head so he doesn’t move and he was fighting back. Thankfully, both tests were negative. To be honest, I don’t know how he would have caught it. We rarely go out except the grocery store when we don’t receive everything in the delivery or the pharmacy, I disinfect everything I bring back in and I wash my hands so many times that it is almost an obsession now… Every time someone comes too close to me, I worry. Just the other day, someone coughed in front of me at the store… now I worry… It has become OCD and anxiety.
Now, with all the tests we have to get done, is that safe? They say to limit your outings… well… every time we have to do a covid test, we risk contracting it? If you have kids, you know that they always have a runny nose, they always get a cold, especially the first year… This feels like it’s gonna be a long long year ahead of us…
Let’s hope 2021 goes by quickly and they find a solution for this stupid virus… Please let’s all do our part in keeping everyone safe. If you or someone living with you is sick, stay home.
Where did the time go? The time flew by so fast and it feels like you were born yesterday! Look at you now, you are so big!
This is a sad and happy time for mama. Sad because we won’t be able to spend as much time together and I will miss a lot of your milestones because mama needs to work. Mama wish she could stay with you every day. Happy because you make mama so proud. You have accomplished so much this year. From rolling over to crawling and walking on your feet. This happened so fast!
I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to spend more time with you to see you grow. Mama loves you so much! I never thought I would love someone as much! I cannot even describe it. You are my baby and will always be. I wish for years to come that you are happy, healthy and I hope we can keep a strong bond between you and me forever no matter what happens.
Before you came, I didn’t think I would be able to take care of you properly. Now, I don’t know either, BUT what I know is that I wouldn’t imagine my life without you and I will care for you the best I can until my breath stops. You are bringing joy to our lives and I don’t know what I would do without you. You are my miracle and the most precious person in my life.