Since my first diagnosis, I have acquired many tools to help me to live as normal and as happy as I can be considering everything.

I am usually good at closing the negative box and putting it behind me, but recent news disrupted my peace quite a bit.

As many knows, I have recently underwent a second major surgery. Things seemed to have gone well until it wasn’t. The pathology report showed that the cancer may still be present and that I have to do radiation.

I had also a consult with a medical oncologist and since I had already had double the chemotherapy treatments they are holding off so I have options if it does come back.

What startled me the most in all of this is that he felt strongly positive that cancer will come back at some point and it will be like a whac-a-mole game. It can go on for decades, he said. This isn’t over, and that is not what I wanted to hear.

All the negative thoughts came back. The thought of leaving my family too soon. The thoughts that maybe I should go sooner than later because it would be less painful for my little boy. The thoughts that it isn’t fair for my husband to have a sick wife and not fair for my son to have a sick mama. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve this either.

Believe me, dying early and leaving my family isn’t what I want. My son needs his mama and I want to be here for him. My husband needs me too, he shouldn’t do this alone. So I will fight, but this isn’t easy when you have all these demons flying around you. There is always hope for remission.

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