The fear of not being remembered…

This weekend was a little harder than usual. Has we went for a little walk, I was looking at people running, biking and kayaking and I was telling myself that I want to be able to do an activity like that again one day.

Of course, with all the uncertainty in my life, I started crying. Every little things made me tear up. There is so much I would like to do and I have no clue if I will be able to do them.

Not knowing if I will get through this cancer drives me nuts. I want to be able to make long-term plans with my husband. I want to be able to enjoy some activities with my son when he’s a bit older.

I saw this boy running with his mom and I thought: I want to do this with my son. I want to be able to share moments with him that he will remember. Right now, he is too young to remember anything we do. What we do now will only be in our memory. I want him to remember me.

Looking at my husband and son together and having fun makes me happy and also sad. I love seeing them together, but thinking of leaving them because of this cancer, brings tears to my eyes. Thinking of my husband having to raise our son alone breaks my heart.

I know I might sound a bit negative, but death is always on my mind. If you look at the data on the type of cancer I have, it doesn’t look good. If I can’t get surgery, the odds are very poor which increase my anxiety a lot. I really want to be here many more years to have moments my son will remember. I am scared my son won’t remember me.

I hope I get through this to live long enough to have memories he will remember.

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