A joyful long weekend ending too quick…

The past weekend was great! For us in Canada, it was a long weekend. Yes, I was still feeling the chemo effects, but I was feeling good enough to go on a small walks here and there.

When you have a child, you can’t just stay at home all the time. Our son would just be a mess. So we went for short walks at places we never been or that me don’t go as often.

We went to a park that had bunnies and goats. He could experience other animals than a cat and a dog. I can’t wait for things to be normal again so we could go to the zoo. I feel with Covid that we are missing out on many sensory development.

We were able to buy a pool and he had fun splashing his daddy.

We also went to our community playground and played on the slide and swing. He had a blast and that what matter. Seeing my son smile is filling my heart and is everything to me.

Those little walks were no longer than 1 hour and a half at the most and I felt tired afterwards. Maybe I am pushing myself too hard, but in my head, not knowing how much time I have left, makes me want to spend more time with my family. The only problem… I get exhausted for things l could do for hours before. A slow walk, will make me tired, but it is all worth it.

Seeing my son and husband smile and be happy makes my world, but spending qualify time with them made me a little emotional. I didn’t want this weekend to be over. All good things has an end they say. We had to go back to the reality and my reality isn’t the greatest.

On a good day, I don’t believe that I am sick. I wonder if they made the wrong diagnosis. It feels like a nightmare and you want to pinch yourself to see if it’s real.

But on most days, I have a lingering pain that reminds me that I am not imagining things and that I do have cancer. I ask myself why this is happening to me? Why do I deserve this? What could I have done differently? These questions don’t have answers, but they haunt me everyday.

The fear of the unknown is real. Not knowing if I’ll ever be cancer free one day, not knowing how long I have, not knowing if I will see my son grow up.

The unknown is scary. I just want to know that everything will be alright… That I will get to have many more of those great weekend with my family. Even that, I can’t have an answer for…

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