Life reflection: going back in time

I am not shy to say that most of my life I was a loner. I don’t have close friends. I often felt alone. A lot of things happened in my childhood that probably contributed to this, but I can’t go back in time and change it.

Being diagnosed with cancer brings you to review your life. You wonder what you did wrong, what you could have done better. It makes you regret not keeping in touch with people that you crossed path at some point in your life.

What I will say next, I kept to myself my whole life.

I am not good with keeping connection with people. Maybe it’s all because of my past and I think it all started back in high school.

I lost my best friend when I was a teenager because I said the wrong thing: I will tell your parents. I remember it to this day. I was jealous and mad because I felt she was putting me to the side as she made new friends. I felt left out. I can’t remember what they were going to do for me to say “I will tell your parents” has it’s a big blur, but it was the end of our friendship and the start of many miserable high school years.

I was pretty much alone at that point. They told the whole school. They laughed at me. I was bullied.

For many years I missed my best friend. I wish I can find her today to apologize.

I made new friends, but they also ended up stabbing me in the back. I was probably too nice with everyone, I was a people pleaser and couldn’t handle confrontation. This lasted until graduation. My friendships always were my boyfriend.

My boyfriends, now my husband where my whole world. That was all that mattered.

I got used to that and today, we are grown ups and I have difficulties to make friends. We all have our lives, everyone has their friends. Who has time for a new friend in their busy life.

Getting sick made the realize that sometime you don’t see the whole picture. You think you are alone and don’t matter, but people are rooting for you.

I am overwhelmed by the amount of people that are there for me. My workplace is there, some past coworkers, my family, even people I only know from online. I am grateful for all that.

I just wish I wasn’t so awkward with people and was able to easily connect. I am scared of rejection.

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