Never in a million years would I have thought that having a child would change the way I react to different situations.
Before having my son, I thought I was a pretty chill person. Yes, I was overthinking a lot and was nervous about certain situations, but having anxiety that would make me cry in the shower or when I am alone and make me think so much that it keeps me awake at night was not something I thought would happen to me. I always over thought about pretty much everything. I always think of the “what if” in most of the things I do. What will be the short and long term repercussions of that decision?
Now, I have this little human to take care of and I just want the best for him. This pandemic put a lot of sticks in the wheels. I wasn’t able to connect with other moms like I would have if things were normal. I wasn’t able to do activities with other babies to help him socialize. I was pretty much alone for over 12 months. I am grateful my husband worked from home. Made me feel like I wasn’t completely alone and he helped so much. He’s a great father to my son, but it is not the same as connecting with other women dealing with a newborn, now a toddler.
I recently finished my maternity leave, which means that my little man is going to go to daycare soon and I can’t control that. To be honest, I am scared of sending him to daycare with this pandemic. I am sure that it is hard already without the pandemic, but it adds extra stress.
I know it will be best for him. He will be to socialize and learn a lot more than if he stays with me. There are days, that I don’t know if I do enough.
Recently, I realized that even something that will disrupt the routine will create an unbalance. I lose focus and become anxious and emotional… I never was like that.
Christmas is coming so fast and the idea of my son’s first Christmas wasn’t spending it alone. I thought we could spend it with family members. The same goes for his first birthday. This makes me so anxious and sad. You might say, I know that already, that he won’t remember it, but in my head, the first of everything is so important and worth celebrating with your family. Maybe it is more for me, but the fact that I already didn’t have a lot of support this year, makes it even more disappointing.
Having a child of my own along with the pandemic made me realize how important your family is and how much you need them… not having them around is difficult for me…